He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness.

God's first language is Silence. The rest is translation.

because Seeing is Different than Being Told...

It has taken days... a full week, actually. A week when I had nothing else to do with my time except think and yet I drew blank.

I'm not one to be at a loss for words very often- I almost couldn't have even told you what a loss for words felt like until this week. Even now, the thoughts aren't flowing like they usually do. I'm fighting through it only because I feel so much needs to be said that I need to attempt a headstart.

I thought I knew... I loved the thought of really helping a group of people that needed it so badly, and that thought alone kept me wanting to do more.

But I wasn't prepared. I didn't etch out in my mind what would come to pass when everything that I have been told would be living and breathing and having a conversation with me. My mind still doesn't know what to do with what I saw and my heart with what I feel.

The difference isn't in the things that I experienced- I knew they were real. I knew that there were hearts stifled from the depth of the things they feel and souls stifled from true healing. I knew that being there with them was going to be different. Cognitively, I had stamped all this out.

I thought I knew...

But seeing is different than being told. Wrapping an orphaned child in your arms is different than seeing photos of them. Walking among their heartache and feeling their joy is different. It is encouraging and heartbreaking. It is incredible and has the power to tear you apart. It puts our God on a whole different plane than before, and yet my heart that can only hold so much begs so many questions of Him.

They don't question Him. Why would they question a God who has held them for so long? I know He has. I know He is in them and with them and still in the back of my mind I wonder- Why them and not me? Why do these babies have to suffer this way? Why would a great big God allow... and then I stop. I know better.

In as much as my heartaches, His heart is breaking. I think of them throughout the day and He holds them throughout the day. I pray for them and HE answers the prayers. He is tangible and living and breathing. He was there before I came, while I was there, and will be there with them until the day they take their last breath. And then, without a doubt in my mind, He will take their hands and bring them Home.

and so, I am thankful. Thankful that I can't wrap my head around it. thankful that He knows them by name- the hair on their heads- thankful that I can't fully imagine that fact. Thankful for a God who Was and Is and Will Be and who allowed me to be a small part of the Story He is writing...

i'm so thankful that He is so big. So kind and careful and so much bigger than their heartache.

I don't understand. I can't fathom. But He loves Them Deeply- and that is forever Enough.

kat

Now that I have seen...

I was told my life was about to be changed by this journey and I couldn't grasp in what ways it might until the stories started piling up and my heart was broken-- in the best possible way. 

Instead of giving you the rundown of the day- as I'm sure you have read the others and have an idea of what has gone on- I am going to take you a little further into the experience of one child I have had the great priviledge to love. I think just a glimpse with me into what goes on, has gone on, and continues to go on in the lives of these children will be enough from me and mean more than any words I may have. 

Topistar (pronounced more like Dopista) is a beautiful, intelligent, 12 year old girl that lives at Africa Greater Life Orphanage. 

The day that we brought beds to Africa Greater Life, I met Topistar. She was patiently waiting for me as I was walking out of the girls' dorm. When I rounded the corner, she tapped me on the shoulder to say in broken english (pretty much my favorite sound ever)... "Tonight... I get... to sleep. Thank you very much for helping us. God Bless you..." and off she went. Obviously struck by the statement, I made a mental picture of her face and went back to work. 

The following day we returned to Africa Greater Life and walked with the children to their individual beds to talk with them. As I was walking down the hill toward the girls' dorm to speak with them, Topistar ran to me and grabbed my hand to show me her bed. I didn't realize until I was with her talking that she was the same girl from the previous day. Needless to say, we are new friends. :) 

Today during the birthday party, Topistar ran to sit beside me and was attached to my hip for the day. When she received her bible as one of her birthday gifts, she ran back to me and wanted to read to me from it. As we read, we talked about how much God loved her and how He knew her before she was born... as soon as her birth was mentioned, Topistar's demeanor changed. 

Soon enough, it was obvious that the topic bothering her was her birth and shortly thereafter a woman walked up to me and repeated "Wabale, Wabale, Wabale, Wabale..." (Lugandan for Thank You") 

Topistar began to tell me that the woman was her grandmother and that her mother had died some time ago. She has been living at Africa Greater Life for years. As we spoke, I asked her if she could write her name for me. As she wrote, I asked her to tell me about her life. 

The following is word for word my letter from Topistar. Hopefully it will give some insight into why my heart is broken, and yet full...

my name is Namusisi Topistar. 
i am 12 years old. 
my brother is called david. 
my mother is died when was sick. 
my father is died when bad person killed.
my mother when died i am ever so young. (**here I asked her if she felt sad sometimes...to which she wrote in response:**)
i feel bad person see me write on paper.
my father is work in police 
my father is have young child the bad man came and kill father's child and father is fight with bad man 
the bad man was kill my father 
me and my brother david hide my father is left there. 
me and david pastor is help us.

think you to help bring beds. 

think you. God bless you. 

I love you. 

Bye Bye



I don't know that there are sufficient words to follow this up with. We discussed what she can do when she feels sad and how tightly God holds her in those times- and yet our eyes glistened and my heart broke. Topistar's story is so far from over, and I have no doubt that she is one of the committed hearts that the Lord searches all the earth for. "...He wants to make them strong."(II Chron. 16:9)

Luckily, when I leave and return to the states, although my heart will break to leave my new friends, I will have comfort in a great big God who will still be with them.

We are leaving them, but He will not... because this is so much bigger than me, and He is so much bigger than this. 

Kathryn

Being Bold... With The Love of Jesus.

Way too often I cower. I shrink. I pull away. Maybe because something that I see or feel I am fearful of. Maybe because of insecurities about myself or how my opinions may lack significance, my things of importance being not really THAT important.

There are many things I doubt about myself. I am in a constant struggle (and I think rightly so) to figure out what of my time spent is useful... what am I doing, why am I doing it, and if it isn't the utmost- what should I be doing instead...?

I doubt my abilities, I doubt my sincerities, I doubt what I want to do this afternoon- much less tomorrow.

There are a few things that I. Do. Not. Doubt.

I Don't Doubt That My Life Has a Significant Purpose. I Don't Doubt That I Have Been Given Gifts That Are Only Mine- And I Don't Doubt That I Am Expected To Use Them For The Glory Of God. Those things I have never met with insincerity, and although I often doubt my abilities- I know that between God and I (mostly Him ;) My abilities can be like that of Kings.

So here is my confession: Lately I have been in-and-out of some significant states of Doubt. It's an Ugly, Bothersome, Time-Consuming, Wasteful thing- doubt. It can take the best of intentions and possibilities and make them one more worry on an pre-existing list.

Here's my thought: Time. To. Let. Go. And Here's Why...

I Serve a Go-before-me, Go-with-me, Go-beside-me, Go-into-me, Surround-me, Hold-me, Back-me-up, Pick-me-up, Give-to-me, Take-from-me, Secure-me, Love-me-u n c o n d i t i o n a l l y God who is already there, and here, and in and around and with before I even think twice.

Whom shall I fear??

I am blessed with some incredible friendships in this life. God adds to the strength & meaning of my relationships frequently... more grateful for that than I could even write. Words could fill pages and pages on the subject.

A great friend suggested lately that I take on a little more boldness in a situation that has left me doubtful...

So here it goes... With Boldness because of Love and Without. An. Ounce. of. Doubt.

I Am A Child of God- Created In His Image- And. So. Are. They.

So I come to you, my friends, now; requesting an awful lot and being Bold in the request only because I Do Not Doubt Its Relevance.

On the 20th of July I am leaving for Africa. Now, regardless of what that is going to require of me- I will be on a plane that day.

First and foremost- I ask for f e r v a n t prayer as I juggle where I am with where I'll be. I pray that God goes before me and makes a path for me, I pray that He will hold those babies close to Him until our group can be there in flesh to give them- hopefully- a little more than they would've had otherwise, I pray that He will give me the knowledge, wisdom, patience, and perseverance that the next month is going to require, I pray for the group of Africans that we will work with- that we can learn more from them and see further into their lives than we can even hope for, I pray that the knowledge that we receive can only lead to further action and that we can be vessels to our God who is already there before us, I pray to come back a changed person in whatever ways God sees fit, I pray for open eyes, and an open heart, I pray to seek and find the face of God in the people I meet, I pray, I pray, I pray... PLEASE join me.

The issue weighing heavy on my heart is an issue of funding. The yucky part. The part that I wish wasn't required for me to go share Love and Community and Hope with these sweet babies. Unfortunately- In order to share and love them as well as I wish to, I have to first board the plane and be on my way.

Candidly, Fundraising has been difficult. A different situation, a crammed schedule, a new location, and a new job have been stumbling blocks to a determined little nanny. :)

However... My God is so Big, So Strong And So Mighty- There's Nothing My God Cannot Do.

Didn't Someone Pretty Important Say something About Being Like Little Children Once? There ya go. Back to VBS when I was 8. Nonetheless, HE. IS.

So, I need your help. I need your PRAYERS, your ideas, your suggestions, your knowledge, your wisdom, your experience...

Send your thoughts. I need them. Send your prayers. I need them.

I am blessed beyond measure, and here I am on my hands and knees-

Not for me but for my little loves waiting across the ocean.

Love and Thanks-- And more of both...

Kathryn

What would I Remember?...

So the question is... 

What would you remember? 

Let me set this up a bit.

We've all seen the Notebook. We all watched it and cried and walked out of the movie theater a little lovey dovey and saddened maybe a bit, and then probably just went right on with the rest of our plans for the night.

Then maybe we watch it occasionally- it tends to be a staple "chick flick" these days, but have you ever REALLY thought about it?...

What would be written in your Notebook? Is your life- full of its ups and downs and varying degrees of both- something that you could read about? Is it something that you would WANT to read about? 

I challenge you to really consider this at the exact moment that I challenge myself. 

See, just recently I became part of a beautiful life. 

A life so beautiful it blesses me by allowing me to be a part of it.  A life that has, in recent years, become one of fading memories and tall tales. One that can only recall so much- but in saying that- so much good. A person that is capable of very little and so much more than can be put into words. There are downfalls and bad times, sure, but just wait... it gets better : ) 

God is forever faithful to put such learning experiences in my path and these days I'm not sure that the path consists of much else! Learning something (or things) new every day.... He is consistently making ALL. THINGS. NEW. 

So far my job description consists of: diaper changer, food cooker, juice getter, time-out forcer, trampoline jumper, kitchen dancer, popsicle opener, swim instructor, homemade icing maker (i was probably more proud than necessary of this one), honeysuckle picker, bin organizer, shoe finder, nap time rocker, referee, cleaner, fixer, boo-boo kisser, chauffeur, band-aid applier, and much more, but my favorite at this point is MaMaw watcher.

MaMaw is 93 years old and has Alzheimer's Disease. Any given day with MaMaw can consist of so much to do and so much to talk about. I am captivated by her life. What she remembers and how she remembers it. What she forgets and how she questions it. It is all intriguing and entertaining and just... lovely to me. 

So much time with her and so many conversations lead me back to a recurring thought, and now, as I sit across the table from her beautiful heart and see such determination in her eyes- I'll tell you where her secret lies. 

(( Okay, Alzheimer's has different degrees and different symptoms associated for each patient, but in a lot of cases, Alzheimer's patients refer back to things they did in their younger years that they still remember. ))

The feeble woman in front of me has more Strength of Spirit than most people I know.  I wish you could see her now, and I will do my best to describe the scene for you. There is absolutely no sound in the house aside from my typing and the clock chiming in the hour. The family has gone to the movies and left me (extremely willingly) to sit with MaMaw and keep her company. She sits across from me now, her face fashioned with time and wisdom- wearing laugh lines and and a facial expression that depicts her focus. 

Where is her focus?? 

On her personal love letter from God. Her book that NEVER leaves her side and if ever misplaced is deeply missed. Currently she is attentively reading the word. As she reads the only thing that she will focus on for prolonged periods of time, she circles every single word as she reads it. When she gets to the end of a line, she checks it off, making sure that she has read every single word. Throughout the day, she spends hours in her Favorite Book, reading a single chapter at a time and probably totaling between 10 and 15 chapters. 

Oh to be so fixed on God's word. 

When she gets fretful or upset- It is easy to calm her. Start her into the 23rd Psalm, and she'll recite with you the rest. I tear up to think of her beautiful soul and the memories she holds so close.

So after spending time with such a Soul as hers, how do I get closer? 

If I lost all memory tomorrow, what have I made inherent to my being? What would I remember? What is so important to my life and such a habit that when my heart is quiet I long for it?? If I forget everything except the things that I have held in my life with consistent care, where am I? Who would I be? What would I do? 

Dear God, so Faithful to teach me while holding me closely, let me give You that consistent care and make You that inherent part of my being....

I don't know what sweet MaMaw thinks from minute to minute, hour to hour, or day to day- But I know who and Whose she is. She can't tell me where she lives. she has no concept of how a car works or where the mall is. At about 8'o clock every night she asks you where she is going to sleep, and tells you she doesn't want to sleep alone. Oh if she knew what Company she keeps! 

She can't always remember who I am or why I am here, but tells me that she loves me numerous times in a day. I believe her; simply because such a being, such a soul as hers IS love.

She is consistently aware of her surroundings...  amazed by a reflection of light in a window, and looks intently and comments on the beauty of the leaves of the trees when the wind blows through them. 

Little does she know what Light reflects in her, and what Spirit moves through her.  

⁶ On my bed I remember you; 

       I think of you through the watches of the night.

 ⁷ Because you are my help, 

       I sing in the shadow of your wings.

 ⁸ My soul clings to you; 

       your right hand upholds me.

-Psalm 63:6-8 

p.s. MaMaw is in the Psalms right now :)

Truth without Love is brutality. Love without Truth is Hypocrisy.

The most authentic thing about us 

Is our capacity to create, to overcome,

To endure, to transform, to love,

And to be greater than our suffering.

Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, or irritable, To wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing that is done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Creator and Sustainer in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.

In the Surrender...

Joy. 

A word we don't hear- or use- very often. A concept that no one brings up in frequent conversation, or maybe even fully understands? 

In the past few weeks I have come to find that my previous understanding of the word was lacking. Who gets to experience it? Why? How? When? As far as the popular concept, we attach the word to huge events and life-changing circumstances-- a wedding. a birth. a 50th wedding anniversary. 

Don't get me wrong- all of those things deserve recognition and in those things we should find joy... But what about the superficial ones? (I'm sure you can insert your own issue here) 

Not to lessen the meaning of the word, or impact of real joy- but My question, and what nags at me lately- is this: 

Why is it a word we don't use more often for the right and real definition? Why do we not find joy in the day... in the everyday... as. often. as. we. can. 

sunrise. quiet before you have to start a day. a morning drive. time to clear your head. prayer. good conversation. a passing wave & smile. one less thing on a to-do list. time to read leisurely. good coffee. sweet memories. photos. a good run. 

whatever. you. love. 

What I have found, (not in all my wisdom- more like after much searching-trust me) is that in order to truly get to a place of contentment, we have to be willing to find joy in what some may consider the mundane. 

Seek joy...     and find contentment. 

and. in. contentment. comes. real. joy. 

big deal for this girl. big. deal. 

Reason being... seeking joy in the everyday requires a surrender. 

Surrender of the previous standards of joy; surrender of what-used-to-be-important. 

Because if we don't surrender... if we are always running and running like hamsters in a wheel seeking this superficial joy- how far will we really go? How close to real contentment will we be?

Hear this again... 

Joy comes in the surrender; 

Contentment comes from seeking real joy, 

So... c o n t e n t m e n t- the real kind-  comes     in     the     surrender. 

Recently I, for the first time in my life, (as much as I hate to admit this) truly surrendered. 

Let go. Turned loose. 

Here's the run down: 

passionate (and maybe, sometimes, a little emotional) girl. lists full of needs. best intentions. seeking things for good reasons, but just              can't           seem       to       get           it. 

Capable and willing to do so much and yet I couldn't line up my wishes with a legitimate plan. 

even. the. good. ones. 

Why are my efforts failing? Where is the joy in what you can't have.... and can't do.... when you want to... and you're capable... and everything tells you it's right?! 

In ............  The ................ Surrender. 

IN THE SURRENDER. 

even when I have the best intentions. even when I have God's will in mind. 

It's not about me. Not my wishes. Not my intentions. Not my abilities- or my willingness. 

Not about how committed I am or how good I promise I could or would be at something if only...

It's all about the surrender.

That's where it is. The joy. The contentment. Not in doing it your way- or doing it in your time. 

Even with the best intentions. 

Even with His plan in mind. 

Because IT'S NOT ABOUT ME... 

IT'S ABOUT HIM. 

So the passionate girl with the rampant emotions let go. lost her grip. had her world turned upside down and ruined only to be put back together in a more beautiful way. 

and the girl wants to live a beautiful life. 

How long has it been since you experienced a good happy cry? 

Rampant as my emotions may be- it had been a while...

Until. I. let. go. 

I let go. Lost grip on the anchor of my own control. 

And took hold of my true Anchor. 

And I trusted myself to the true Anchor. for real this time.

And there. they. were... the tears of joy- and contentment. 

(in the driver's seat of Lola the saturn) 

And In the Surrender...